Life is a crazy story of ups, downs, twists, and turn!!

You often find that in life you never know what is around the corner!!  In our journey with infertility for the last 4 years our life's, differently has had its ups,downs,twists,and turns.  I have come to terms with the fact that God hasn't given us a child for his own reasons.  I still struggle with this sometimes, but not daily like I use to.  

Tuna and I have thought over the years of many options that we could do/take but none of them really seemed right at the time.  The options were either way out of price range or something we really didn't even consider.  Our thought was that we had time to wait and see what would happen over time because we were young enough to take that time.  I think when it really hit both of us that time is kind of creeping up on us!  Tuna will turn 30 this summer and I know that is not old but, we want to grow old with our children.

We are highly excited about somethings that are looking positive for us in the near future.  I really don't have any details other then be watching for up and coming blog posting about the excitement that might be happening.  The one word hint I will give you us is "adaption!" 

Once again sorry for such long starches between postings!!  HOPEFULLY I WILL BE ABLE TO START POSTING ALOT MORE!!!  I would like to thank everyone for the prayers and the following of our journey throughout the past 4 years. ~Love the Lange's  

Confused

It has been awhile again since I last updated.  The time seems to just speed on by when I am not going to appointments anymore. So where do I begin? 

Our hopes yet again to become parents were crushed :-(  The plan we had in place to have someone carry the baby for us came crashing down on our hearts.  The day I received the call saying that the women we had been planning on for months to carry our baby was pregnant with her own child, dropped me to my knees in pain.  The dream that was so close so yet so far away.  The room that we had been preparing, the items we had been buying all seem so silly in that moment.  I blamed myself for letting my heart and my dreams get carried away with the thoughts of actually being able to become parents.  After about month of coming to terms with the reality it wasn't going to happen this way and knowing that god had a reason for this.  I can now look back and thank god for what he does and what he knows.  God has a plan for everything and everyone and he knows that deep in his heart and in mine that I deserve not only to have a baby, but to be able to carry it myself.  

Once we picked the pieces of our broken heart and moved on, we continued our life's.  I was didn't have much time to let it get to me chance I was focused on my brother.  For those of you who don't know my brother was in a horrible accident and now has TBI. (Traumatic Brian Injury)  I spent a lot of time in the cities with my mother and brother while he was recovering.  I kind of just stopped worrying about the whole baby/being parents thing for a while.  I was more concerned with my brothers well being.  

This month *May* after 4 months for being in the hospital, my brother was finally well enough to be sent home with having care around the clock.  

Everyone was kind of able to go back to their someone "normal" everyday life.  I was able to spend time with my husband and focus my attention back to work and  "normal" things.  Mother's Day weekend Tuna went fishing and camping with his brother.  I was at work and home by myself  with just the dogs.  I had worked all evening Saturday 2-10pm and went home like normal, I woke up in the middle of the night and felt blood all over.  I cleaned everything up and took a shower and went back to bed for a few hours before having to return to work at 6am.  I woke up on Sunday morning and felt fine, and thought that I had just gotten my period.  Once getting off of work on Sunday afternoon we went to Tuna's parents house for Mother's Day.  I told Tuna that I just didn't feel right and I was going to lay down until dinner was ready.  We had Mother's Day dinner and I told Tuna we needed to go home that I just felt weird.  

Once arriving to our house I used the restroom and in sock I realized I had just had a miscarriage.  I  freaked out for a minute and then told Tuna.  I didn't cry or feel sad in the moment as wrong as that sounds, I was so confused.  Days went by and I didn't tell anyone, I felt ashamed that I wasn't sad about the situation.  I realized after a few days that I should tell my mother and mother-in-law about it.  The further in the week it got I started to become not only sad,mad,and confused I was scared.  I think that if I would have knew that I was pregnant i would have been lot more sad and depressed.  

The thoughts that run through my mind still today are......Is it a good thing? Because know I know I can get pregnant?  Is it a bad thing?  Because I know that I was pregnant and couldn't carry it?  OR  worst of all.... Was it nothing and I am freaking out of nothing???  I never went to the doctor to find out what was going on.  I know that I should have, but I don't really even want to know what happened.

I feel like I have been just rambling on and on.  As always keep us in your prayers and thoughts as we do for you.  God is good and never gives you more then you can handle. ~Love The Lange's 

 

patience is a virtue

Like the title of this posting states "patience is a virtue." I need to tell myself and my husband this almost everyday!! Now that we have accepted the offer that my friend has given us we are becoming very impatience at we sit and wait for the next steps to unfold. This is extremely hard as we having been waiting for this moment for quite sometime.

We did contact an adoption attorney, she did give us some legal advise. We also have contacted an adoption agency, I didn't get a good vibe from the lady from that agency so we are currently on the hunt for a new agency.

We have also decide to do the adoption a little differently then normal. We have all (the three of us) come to an agreement that do to my eggs being to small we will use her egg and and tuna's sperm so the baby will still be part of us. I know this may sound weird/confusing to most people but in the long run it makes sense. There is really know reason to hide anything.

This is all on hold as of right now due to my friend having the Implanon (Birth control that is implanted under the skin in your arm) which has now been removed. We do have to wait for a while until her cycle becomes normal again. The doctor said it could take anywhere from 3-6 months to become normal again.

Well this was just a quick little update on what has been going on since the last posting. I will be sure to keep everyone update. Thank you again for all the love and support from all my family and friends. May God continue to answer every ones prayers. ~Love The Lange's

God works in wondrous ways

My-o-my how time flies, I just realized I have not posted since May!! Sorry. There has been many changes in our journey since then.

The first being I did end up having the IUI (intra-uterine insemination) done 2 different times. The first was back in May which the previous posting talked about. The second time was in June. I was tickled pink to have ovulated two months in a row. The second IUI came with the same results as the first.....NO LUCK :-( In July it happened again, this time they did an ultrasound to see what was going on. They found that I had many eggs but they all were VERY VERY small and to little to flow down to my uterus. So that was the reason I was getting a positive ovulation test, because there were eggs.

The doctor did have me come in to talk about what our next option was. He did tell me flat out that there wasn't much more that he or his staff could do for us. We could try doing hormone injections which coast in the ballpark for around $6,000. I left the office in complete tears. My hope to have a baby was crushed in one sentence. All the doors were closing right one my face. How could I get so close two months in a row, just to have the door smack me right in the face?? I have not had my period now since going off the Clomid in July!!

The angry that I carried and still sometimes carry turned me into someone I didn't know or recognise. I became very depressed and unhappy with everyone and everything. I pushed loved one way and completely stopped talking to people for no reason at all really. I held on to the little things. I have stated to take depression meds, which have helped a lot but I do still have my minutes, days, and weeks were I get into that funk again. I continue to struggle and sometimes I do ask God "Why us?" I know that God loves us and I need to keep faith and continue to pray that the blessing with come.

I know that God answers each and every ones prayers differently. We have been offered by my best friend to have a baby for us. This is still in the early stages of planning and I will see what God grants us in the near future. This process is going to be planned out with an Adaption Attorney and many other details. I will update everyone when I know more about what will be going on. I promise that I will not keep my family and friends who follow our blag waiting another 5 months again.

You can't imagine how big her heart is to even offer us such a blessing. Her unselfishness is heart-warming and makes me realize that God give us certain people in our life for a reason. The Gratefulness that I have for her is unmeasurable. There is nothing more I could ask for then to have a family and a baby to love. I cry offend when I think about the chance that I may actually be able to be a mother. I will never be able to repay her for what she may give us. This maybe the door that I can walk through with peace, joy, and happiness without it slamming on my face. I do love her for what she may be able to offer us. You know who you are and I LOVE LOVE LOVE you forever.

All this being said I do hope that God will continue to bless everyone with all the prayers that you may have for him. When you least except it God will answer your prayers in his own beautiful way. He works in great ways. Never give up on him, because he has never given up on us. Please continue to pray for us on this new part of our journey that we are about to embark one. This journey has had it very low lows I really have faith that at some point really soon it will have it high highs as well. ~Love The Lange's

The time has finally come!!!!!

This morning Tuesday,May 45 2011 I took an ovulation test and I about fell over when it was positive. I call to the doctor right away before calling anyone, but of course I had to leave a message and wait for them to call me back. Then I started to dial up my loved ones like crazy. The excitement over took me in that moment. I only thing I could tell people was the good news without any information really. All I could say to is "Guess what?..........I am ovulating!!!" I could hardly stand to wait one more minute until the nurse called me back on what the next step was.

She finally called and told me that the doctor wanted me to come in tomorrow to have the IUI (Intrauterine Insemination) done. The only problem was that the doctor was in surgery all day the next day. So she said I could come in later in the afternoon and he would fit me in between his surgerys or I could have an OBGYN do it. She knew before she even gave me the second option what my answer was going to be. The nurse and the Doctor both know what can of a FREAK I am when it comes to this.

So I decided to wait until later in the afternoon tomorrow(Wednesday,May 25 2011) to have the IUI done. Tuna will be going in at 11 am to give a sperm sample. It takes them a few hours to "wash" the sperm. They will be separating the sperm from the semen, so when it is injected into my uterus it is sperm only. I will then go in to have the IUI done at 1 pm. They say it takes about 1 hour to do the IUI and then I need to be laying flat for another hour. The pain is not to bad (according to the nurse) so you know what that means.....it is going to hurt!!!!

I am very excited,nervous,hopeful,scared,and praying to god that this is the right time. I know that it is only going to happen when he says it is time. Please keep us in your prayers and thoughts as we embark in this new part of our journey! ~Love The Lange's

Yeah Buddy

The appointment today went well. I didn't have to get a shot to start my period. That is good in 2 different ways. The first being that my ass won't hurt for the next few days.(hehe) The second being that the spotting that I have been having is actually my period.

As long as I did get my period on my own we will stay with the same dose of Clomid this month. The next steps will be is to take the Clomid starting tonight through Saturday. I will be doing the ovulation tests from days 15-21. Hopefully around day 19 the test will be positive and we will be going in to the clinic to have the IVF done.

The doctor seem to think that there is a pretty good chance that this is going to work. He had a very positive attitude and made it seem like we had a very good chance of this work. But as always I shouldn't get to excited or get my hopes up just yet.

I will be keeping everyone posted on what is going on. Please keep us in your prayers and thoughts. ~Love The Lange's

Quick Stop

I would like to think of my appointment tomorrow of somewhat of a "quick stop". You go in they check ya out and you pay about the same amount as ya would filling your gas tank up these days.

Tomorrow he will just be checking to see if everything is okay. I will recive a shot to start my period and then he will up the dose of Clomid from 100mgs to 150mgs. It will be a quick stop.

I am also going to talk to him about maybe getting on some depression meds. I have to be honest with myself and admit this is starting to really get to me. I look at myself somedays and almost dont even know who I am. I am a sad and emontional person which is not the "norm" for me at all.

I pray that god will bless my body,soul,and mind and grant me the gift of being a mother someday. He is the only one who knows when the time is right.

Also always please pray that god will bless us with that gift. ~Love The Lange's