Confused
It has been awhile again since I last updated. The time seems to just speed on by when I am not going to appointments anymore. So where do I begin?
Our hopes yet again to become parents were crushed :-( The plan we had in place to have someone carry the baby for us came crashing down on our hearts. The day I received the call saying that the women we had been planning on for months to carry our baby was pregnant with her own child, dropped me to my knees in pain. The dream that was so close so yet so far away. The room that we had been preparing, the items we had been buying all seem so silly in that moment. I blamed myself for letting my heart and my dreams get carried away with the thoughts of actually being able to become parents. After about month of coming to terms with the reality it wasn't going to happen this way and knowing that god had a reason for this. I can now look back and thank god for what he does and what he knows. God has a plan for everything and everyone and he knows that deep in his heart and in mine that I deserve not only to have a baby, but to be able to carry it myself.
Once we picked the pieces of our broken heart and moved on, we continued our life's. I was didn't have much time to let it get to me chance I was focused on my brother. For those of you who don't know my brother was in a horrible accident and now has TBI. (Traumatic Brian Injury) I spent a lot of time in the cities with my mother and brother while he was recovering. I kind of just stopped worrying about the whole baby/being parents thing for a while. I was more concerned with my brothers well being.
This month *May* after 4 months for being in the hospital, my brother was finally well enough to be sent home with having care around the clock.
Everyone was kind of able to go back to their someone "normal" everyday life. I was able to spend time with my husband and focus my attention back to work and "normal" things. Mother's Day weekend Tuna went fishing and camping with his brother. I was at work and home by myself with just the dogs. I had worked all evening Saturday 2-10pm and went home like normal, I woke up in the middle of the night and felt blood all over. I cleaned everything up and took a shower and went back to bed for a few hours before having to return to work at 6am. I woke up on Sunday morning and felt fine, and thought that I had just gotten my period. Once getting off of work on Sunday afternoon we went to Tuna's parents house for Mother's Day. I told Tuna that I just didn't feel right and I was going to lay down until dinner was ready. We had Mother's Day dinner and I told Tuna we needed to go home that I just felt weird.
Once arriving to our house I used the restroom and in sock I realized I had just had a miscarriage. I freaked out for a minute and then told Tuna. I didn't cry or feel sad in the moment as wrong as that sounds, I was so confused. Days went by and I didn't tell anyone, I felt ashamed that I wasn't sad about the situation. I realized after a few days that I should tell my mother and mother-in-law about it. The further in the week it got I started to become not only sad,mad,and confused I was scared. I think that if I would have knew that I was pregnant i would have been lot more sad and depressed.
The thoughts that run through my mind still today are......Is it a good thing? Because know I know I can get pregnant? Is it a bad thing? Because I know that I was pregnant and couldn't carry it? OR worst of all.... Was it nothing and I am freaking out of nothing??? I never went to the doctor to find out what was going on. I know that I should have, but I don't really even want to know what happened.
I feel like I have been just rambling on and on. As always keep us in your prayers and thoughts as we do for you. God is good and never gives you more then you can handle. ~Love The Lange's
